Day 37. TP Specs

After many years of staying in federal, state/provincial, county and city parks, and, of course, using a wide variety of ‘comfort stations’ therein, I feel qualified to write their TP bid specifications. These specs will be especially helpful to those folks in the pulp and paper industry who have been wondering how to break into the huge governmental toilet paper market.

Public Park Toilet Paper Specifications

1. Finished roll size must be precisely 10” in diameter and must not exceed the narrow gauge standard width of 1.6”.

2. Paper must instantly rip apart at the first perforation (if not before), when users attempt to remove it gently from the roll.

3. Paper must be single ply, unscented and un-quilted.

4. Paper thickness is critical. Each finished 10” roll must contain a minimum of 7800 running feet of paper. All bidders should be aware of our 2 standard tests for proper thickness. Test number one:

a. Separate 4 sheets of the proposed paper product and carefully stack them, one atop the other.

b. Obtain a copy of the Wall Street Journal and open it to the ‘notices’ section.

c. Set the 4 stacked sheets of paper on the open page of the WSJ.

d. Without using special lighting, magnifying glasses or other aids of any kind, read the text of the notice that is covered by the 4 sheets of paper.

5. Thickness test number two is a true field test which must be conducted in a tiny, foul-smelling, unlighted and windowless building populated with a minimum of 3000 mosquitoes, biting gnats and/or horseflies. Test number two:

a. Enter above-described structure and take care of business.

b. Remove one sheet of paper from the roll and put it to the use for which it was intended.

c. If the single sheet fails the Oops-Damnit! Test (ODT), repeat the process with two sheets of paper.

d. Continue in this manner, adding one additional sheet of paper for each test.

The successful bidder’s product will pass the ODT on or about the 37th sheet, which is typically about 18 running feet of paper.

6. There are two special considerations for which there are no specifications. The first of these is sheen, aka gloss, and the second is absorbency. Bidders whose product has both extraordinarily high gloss and low absorbency will be given preference. In no case will a product be considered that has less sheen and absorbency than waxed paper, the ordinary type used for baking.