WMDs

Guys, you know the drill when it comes to painting a house: pressure wash, scrape and brush, calk, prime the bare spots, 2 coats of paint, have a brewski.  And, you also know that women go through a similar routine every morning when they ‘put on their face’ (often, less the brewski).  We don’t know, however - at least I don’t - how many coats of whatever go wherever when women do their thing.  Frankly, it’s best that we don’t.  This is a mystery that doesn’t need solving.
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Another thing I didn’t know and didn’t want to know is that among women’s myriad tools and devices for applying said faces is a free-standing mirror.  And, the thing I most didn’t want to know is this: one side of that mirror magnifies.  A lot!  Most folks are wearing glasses by the time they’re 45.  This is a curse in some ways but a blessing in others.  One blessing is that our eyesight continues southward as we age, thereby sparing us the emotional and psychological trauma of actually seeing our deteriorating faces when we look in the mirror.
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One recent fateful morning, Trish had things all laid out on the counter, ready to put on said face; before starting though, she decided she’d better walk Ranger.  All unawares, I walked by the counter and got a glimpse of myself in the mirror - the magnifying side of the mirror.  HOLY CRAP!  Nearly had a stroke.  There they were in all their glory: all the blemishes, all the wrinkles, all the wild hairs spurting out of my nose and ears - all the stuff I was blissfully unaware of from my daily glimpses at conventional mirrors, sans glasses.
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After changing my underwear, I sat on the edge of the bed and as my heartbeat returned to normal, I reflected (you knew that was coming) on this horrific event.  The humane thing to do, I thought, is to get the word out on these ............ these domestic WMDs of self-image.  So, pay attention, guys: if your main squeeze has a makeup mirror, give it a wide berth.  Steer clear of all known or suspected face-application areas. If you’re unsure about the safety of a particular room or area, have a youngster precede you.  Enter only after you hear the kid shout ‘CLEAR!’
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Going a step further, we need to act!  We need to protect future generations from these WMDs.  We gotta track down the purveyors of these devices, destroy their inventory, and level their manufacturing plants.  The purveyors, of course, should be put on trial for crimes against humanity.