Clown

It seems I'm quite fond of the color orange.  Admittedly, I strayed off the (semi-abstract) path with this painting.  Saw a picture of a clownfish, liked it a lot, so what the hell.  We should not be shackled to a single style or genre, now should we?  Especially shackles of our own making.  I didn't completely lose it though: the background is abstracted.

Clown

Acrylic on Canvas

11" x 14"

Yeah, it's a clownfish, one of the most colorful fishes often seen while snorkeling in tropical waters.  They come in lots of different color combinations.  The dominant color is usually orange but the bands can be blue, green, purple or red.  One type has a paint job similar to a Holstein cow.  

This is a rare type.  Absolutely beautiful!

Xanthan Gum II

Here it is, a cream colored powder, the consistency of flour.

Trish said to get the smallest amount possible.  No choice, only one size on the shelf.

The small print on the front reads: Xanthan Gum is made from the outer layer of a tiny, inactive, bacterium called Xanthomonas Campestris (you already knew that, right?).  It is an excellent all-purpose thickener for dressings, gravies and sauces.  Its unique ability to hold small particles of food together makes it the ideal substitute for gluten in gluten-free baking.

Outer layer, it said.  In other words, epidermis.  Skin.  How the hell do you skin a tiny, inactive, bacterium?  Yeah, yeah, I know: very carefully!  But - ever so much easier than skinning active bacterium.  Those little buggers skitter around like a drop of water on a hot griddle.  Catching them is a real bitch.  Then you have to hog-tie 'em, get 'em under the microscope, skin 'em out, and release 'em back into the wild so they can grow a new outer layer. 

XG has numerous uses and we've all used it numerous times.  It's in cosmetics, shampoo, toothpaste, salad dressing, sauces, ice cream and, get this: it's a critical component of (oil) drilling mud. There you have it: everything you never knew (and couldn't care less that you didn't know) about XG.  Now, go forth and amaze your friends with your new found knowledge. 

Xanthan Gum

The grocery list
poppy seeds
xanthan gum
3-pack of yeast
Blue Bunny vanilla bean froyo
deodorant

Hmmm, xanthan gum.  That's a new one.  Sure, I'd heard of it, vaguely recalled seeing it included in the ingredients of several common food items.  Never bought any, though.  Trish is gonna bake gluten-free bread for an upcoming potluck and XG is one of the ingredients.  Ever the smart ass, I asked Trish if I'd find it beside the Juicy Fruit.  Got a chuckle out of her.

Went to Smith's, figured XG would be in the spices/bakery aisle.  Found the poppy seeds and yeast, no problem, but no XG.  A pleasant looking woman (hereinafter known as HL, Helpful Lady) was perusing the spices, asked her if she knew where it might be, "No.  Never heard of it.  What is it?"  I told HL what little I knew about it.  She must have been intrigued because she promptly abandoned the spices, and accompanied me down the aisle to the baking section (I'd already looked there twice).  We struck out.

I thanked HL for her time, left the area, went and found a young woman (YW) who worked in the bakery department.  She'd never heard of it, either.  YW and I returned to the bakery section, and there was HL, still doggedly searching the shelves.  HL grabbed another employee, a young guy (YG), who was just wandering by.  YG said, "It's in the nutrition section."  Off we paraded, YG in the lead, me closely behind, HL and YW bringing up the rear.  Sure enough, there it was.  "You da man!" said I to YG.  I thanked HL and YW for their efforts, and continued my shopping.

Later: where the hell did they hide the men's deodorant?  It wasn't in the pharmacy or cosmetics areas.  In desperation, I turned down the aisle marked HER'S.  And, there was HL, all smiles, either delighted to see me again or still pumped from our successful quest for the elusive XG.  She asked another woman (AW), who was standing nearby, if she'd ever heard of XG.  AW had heard of it but didn't know much about it, either.  I explained for the 4th time (or 5th or 6th, lost track) what it was used for and why I needed it.

I continued down the HER'S aisle and, wouldn't you know it, found men's deodorant at the very end.  Grabbed what I wanted, reversed course, walked by AW (HL had disappeared).  AW said, "Good luck with your baking!".  I replied, "I'm not baking.  She is."  And I'm soooo outta here!

To be continued.

Microsoft Sucks!

Are you sick and tired of my ranting and raving about things I can't change?  Are you a member of the Microsoft fan club?  If either of these apply, read no further.

The Back Story
Once upon a time, my brother, Pat, and I, could exchange emails.  That ended several years ago when I received a 'failed' message from 'Postmaster', with an attachment that contained 7 lines of information, all meaningless to me, last 3 words: 'Blacklisted by user.'  I published a post (Blacklisted; 6/28/12) about this, explained what happened, asked if anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did they do about it?  One person commented that he had a similar problem, but had no useful advice to offer.

Who was the 'user' that did the blacklisting?  Pat and I are users but we didn't do it.  We're safe senders/receivers on our computers.  So, it had to be the ISP or some another entity in the electronic chain twixt sender and receiver.  Pat checked with his ISP and was told that it had to be fixed at my end.  I sent Pat an email from my computer, using a gmail address instead of the msn address I usually use.  It went through okay, which meant that the computers were okay and so were the ISPs.  And, that meant the culprit is msn, aka hotmail, aka Microsoft.

Microsoft
I called their help number, recording said go online.  Did online chat with Ken, sent him the error message and after several minutes of asinine questions, he admitted the problem was beyond his scope (no shit?), gave me a different phone number to call.  I called, got the same recording as before, was directed to the same website as before.

I tried online chat again with Tania, another so-called tech.  SOS: beyond her scope, etc.  She directed me to a website which got me right back to the same damned help screen as the first 2 directives.

Thinking 'third time's the charm', I tried online chat yet again.  SOS.  Again.  Was advised to complete a form with the help of my ISP and submit it to Microsoft when completed.  I was seriously tempted to tell her where to stick her freakin' form but did not.  Remarkable self control!

For each online chat I was offered a choice of 3 pictured techs with star ratings.  I picked the highest rated one each time but never got the one I picked - nor any of the others that were pictured and highly rated.  Bait and switch: pick the A-team, get a bench warmer.  Microsoft's message to customers is loud and clear: We dominate the software market so why should we care about customer satisfaction?  Piss off!

Venting
They emailed a customer satisfaction survey to me.  Oh boy!  Gonna have great fun filling out that sucker!  They'll immediately clean up their act, don't ya think?  Right.  And, I'm the king of Denmark.

Bird Brain

The scenario: a guy heads over to a 24/7 tavern where he's confident he will meet an attractive gal.  He doesn't though.  Not the first time he goes, nor the second, nor the 25th.  Still, he keeps going back to the same darn watering hole.  In fact, he pops in several times every day and night, even at ungodly hours, always hopeful, always disappointed.

There's nothing obviously wrong with the guy.  He's not bad looking, dresses nicely, has a pleasant personality.  So, what's the problem?  Maybe it's the venue.  Women have their favorite hangouts, appears this guy's bar of choice isn't one of them.  So, why doesn't he move on, try another place?

Because he's a bird brain.  Really.  I've just described the behavior of a male mockingbird that's been singing its heart out around our yard for 2+ weeks.  He's out there every hour of the day and night, has sleeping habits even weirder than mine.  In fact, I wonder if he sleeps at all.  I give him high marks for perseverance, stamina and musical expertise (has an impressive repertoire of songs) but an F in judgement.

Male Mockingbird

Bird Brain's songs were pleasing to the ear for several days, tolerable for a few more.  Now, he's  beginning to bug me.  Even the most lovely piece of music becomes stale after numerous repetitions.  C'mon bird, enough already.  Face it: you picked the wrong hangout, she's not coming, give it up!

Every so often, Bird Brain does this display thing, flashing his white wing bars.

Seems to me he's doing everything right - except tumble to the fact that there are no females in these parts and that he needs to move on.  Maybe he came late to the party and all the ladybirds are already taken.  Yeah, I can just see the other guy birds, all mated up, getting it on, smirking at Bird Brain, teasing him about his late arrival and totally striking out.  Life's a bitch, BB.  Better luck next year.

Scream!

6 AM.  Scream.

Huh?

Shout!

What the.....?

HOLLER!!!

Oh shit!  It's Trish.  She's outside.  Must be coyotes attacking the dog!

I hop out of bed and charge into the living room.  Trish and dogs are back inside.  She's shaking like a leaf, staring out the patio door.

Yep, it was coyotes alright, 3 of 'em.  One on our upper driveway, two more off to the side, their plans for a fresh poodle breakfast thwarted by Trish's loud noises.

Lots of coyotes in LHC.  They're strong, bold, wily predators and they make short work of any pet that's left unattended, have even been known to take dogs on leash.

The neighbors woke up early today.  C'est la vie.

The Rat Race

Thumbing through a magazine recently, I came across the phrase 'the rat race'.  The synapses fired: Bingo!  Got out my scissors and cut it out of the magazine.  I had been casting about for a theme for a new painting, a semi-abstract, nighttime, cityscape collage.  I wanted the painting to mean something, or say something, or ......... something.  Something more than just random pieces of stuff glued to canvas - plus a mess of paint, of course.  Rat race equals city in my mind because my corporate years were spent in large city office buildings - and airplanes, rental cars and hotels.

The Rat Race

Acrylic Collage on Canvas

18" x 24"

20 pieces of paper, mostly single words, are glued to the canvas.  Several are easily discernible, even in the small photo, above.  It's a 'come hither' thing, though: the closer you get, the more words you see.  The Dilbert cartoon in the lower right is the bait. 

I'm finally getting into semi-abstract mode but it's a struggle.  Gotta keep mentally slapping myself upside the head and pushing myself away from the details.  I'm not alone in this struggle: "It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child."  Pablo Picasso

BTW, ever read the definition of synapse?  Didn't think so.  Okay, gonna put you in the know, big time.  Warning: reading this on a full stomach is likely to cause indigestion and nausea, in addition to the common side effects of vertigo and disorientation.  Here you go:

Synapse:  a region where nerve impulses are transmitted and received, encompassing the axon 
terminal of a neuron that releases neurotransmitters in response to an impulse, an 
extremely small gap across which the neurotransmitters travel, and the adjacent 
membrane of an axon, dendrite, or muscle or gland cell with the appropriate receptor
 molecules for picking up the neurotransmitters.