French Whorehouse

Would you want a valance like this on top of every window in your house or RV?

Not me.  It belongs in a French Whorehouse!

The fabric's okay but I hate the way the bottom's shaped.

I've never actually visited a French Whorehouse but I've been to Versailles Palace and this ugly piece of crap would fit right in there.  The style is Louis XV, I think, although that particular Louis isn't solely to blame.  A whole string of Kings, all named Louis, were involved in the design and furnishing of the Palace.  Apparently, if your name wasn't Louis, your chance of becoming king was nil.  Jacques?  Maurice?  Ralph?  No way.  Forget it.  Acquire a skill, get a job and pay your taxes to Louis XIII or XIV or XV so he can build his friggin castle. 

The valance was in our RV, along with several more, over 30' of butt ugly.  They're outta there now, to be replaced by new ones with tasteful fabric and straight lines; Trish will make them.  The new valances are just part of the project; we're also replacing the original shades with new ones.

Old shade on left, new on right

New one has 2 roller shades, black-out shade above, sun shade below.

This picture shows the night shade pulled down, sun shade rolled up.

The original day/night shades were pleated, mounted over and under, controlled by tension cords on the sides.  They were difficult to raise and lower, the day shades were ineffective as sunscreens and the night shades leaked.  They were better than nothing but just barely, and now they, too, are outta there.  Operating the new shades is effortless.

Installation was a bitch though, because the shades are quite heavy and the walls and ceilings are quite flimsy, like hardwood veneer on a hollow core door.  Had to jury rig L-brackets and spacers, and locate the studs, which are few and far between.

Why do they put these ugly valances in RVs in the first place?  Do lots of RV people actually think they're attractive?  Maybe so.  Trish and I strongly prefer a clean, sleek, spare look in our furnishings and window treatments; add colorful pillows and wall decor and we're good.  We strongly dislike busy, frilly, ornate, curvy stuff.  Folks that like Louis XV would sneer at our stuff, probably call it Scandinavian Whorehouse.

Lucky Lettuce

Once upon a time, long, long ago and far, far away, bandits disguised themselves as strange wild beasts and invaded a small village.  The villagers fled in panic and the bandits looted their homes and farms.  The villagers, determined to scare off the bandits, made fierce-looking costumes that resembled lions.  Some villagers donned the costumes and danced around wildly, while others banged on pots and pans, making as much noise as possible.  The bandits were indeed frightened by the costumes and all the commotion; they ran off and were never seen again.  The villagers lived happily ever after.

 The bandit attack occurred on the eve of the lunar new year, some 2000 years ago, in a small Chinese village.  From that day forward, lion dancing was thought to ward off evil spirits and bring good luck.  Nowadays, lion dances are popular at weddings, school graduations and similar events, as well as new years eve and other holidays.  Lion dancers are often acrobats and martial arts students, (kung fu in particular) and their dance movements reflect their skills.  Martial arts schools sometimes compete in the dances.

Unlike their carnivorous African cousins, Chinese lions are vegetarians and their favorite food is lucky lettuce.  Lions love lucky lettuce.  And who wouldn't?  Lucky lettuce is a bunch of green paper which contains a red envelope with money in it.  The money is the dancers' reward for their performance.  Google 'lion dance youtube' if you want to view a lion dance.

By now, you're surely asking yourself why the hell is the silly old fart rambling on about lion dances and lucky lettuce?  As well you should.  Because: a lion dance costume resides on the pot shelf in our great room.  It's a memento, left over from when I was a black belt kung fu master and internationally acclaimed lion dancer.  It's a colorful thing, a conversation piece, often drawing comments from visitors - which it did a few nights back, when Gary and Nancy were here.

PS:  Until now, few people knew about my kung fu/lion dancer background.  Very few.  Would you believe - nobody?   I lied up there, don't know kung fu from Fu Manchu and have never done a lion dance.  I can chicken dance, though.  The costume was a gift from Patty, my ex.  We both admired the colorful costumes when we were in China; she came across this one in Chinatown in San Francisco and nailed it.

The bandits-raiding-the-village story is one of several stories (myths) and theories about the dance's origin.

Stucco Guy

Stucco is the name of the game in these parts.  By 'these parts' I mean the hot, dry areas of the American Southwest.  Darned few homes in Phoenix, Tucson or here in LHC have non-stucco siding.  Why?  Because it's attractive, versatile, durable, fire-resistant and a good insulator.  My home has stucco siding and, except for the driveway, is surrounded by concrete block walls and terracing with a stucco finish that matches the house.

The longest and most visible stretch of my stucco wall had several unsightly cracks when I bought the place.  I tried filling the cracks with a couple different patching products but that didn't work.  The color wasn't right and the patching material came loose from the wall within a few months.  I tried calking the smaller cracks, which made them less visible but it wasn't a great color match either.

Lots of wall.  Lots of cracks.

Our mailbox, like the wall, is stucco-finished concrete block.  A few weeks ago, Ann, our sweet little old (87) neighbor lady backed her car into the mailbox.  Whoopee, more cracks!  I had Roger (the floor tile guy) take a look at the mailbox; he suggested I call Mark, the stucco guy.  I did.  And, I'm glad I did.  Mark knows his stuff, does great work at a very reasonable price; mailbox looks like new and the repair cost was minimal: $110 vs $750 to replace it in kind.  Ann paid for it.

Murphy's Law: the ugliest bit of damage will always be

 in the most prominent, visible location.

You're looking at it.

I asked Mark to take a look at the wall cracks, asked if he could do a fix that lasted awhile and matched the existing color.  Yep, sure enough he could.  He finished the job yesterday and it's a vast improvement.  If you live in LHC and need stucco repair work, Mark's the go-to guy.  He's unlicensed so doesn't advertise.  Putting private phone numbers in blogs is unwise; I have his number if you need it..  

All done and looking good!