French Whorehouse

Would you want a valance like this on top of every window in your house or RV?

Not me.  It belongs in a French Whorehouse!

The fabric's okay but I hate the way the bottom's shaped.

I've never actually visited a French Whorehouse but I've been to Versailles Palace and this ugly piece of crap would fit right in there.  The style is Louis XV, I think, although that particular Louis isn't solely to blame.  A whole string of Kings, all named Louis, were involved in the design and furnishing of the Palace.  Apparently, if your name wasn't Louis, your chance of becoming king was nil.  Jacques?  Maurice?  Ralph?  No way.  Forget it.  Acquire a skill, get a job and pay your taxes to Louis XIII or XIV or XV so he can build his friggin castle. 

The valance was in our RV, along with several more, over 30' of butt ugly.  They're outta there now, to be replaced by new ones with tasteful fabric and straight lines; Trish will make them.  The new valances are just part of the project; we're also replacing the original shades with new ones.

Old shade on left, new on right

New one has 2 roller shades, black-out shade above, sun shade below.

This picture shows the night shade pulled down, sun shade rolled up.

The original day/night shades were pleated, mounted over and under, controlled by tension cords on the sides.  They were difficult to raise and lower, the day shades were ineffective as sunscreens and the night shades leaked.  They were better than nothing but just barely, and now they, too, are outta there.  Operating the new shades is effortless.

Installation was a bitch though, because the shades are quite heavy and the walls and ceilings are quite flimsy, like hardwood veneer on a hollow core door.  Had to jury rig L-brackets and spacers, and locate the studs, which are few and far between.

Why do they put these ugly valances in RVs in the first place?  Do lots of RV people actually think they're attractive?  Maybe so.  Trish and I strongly prefer a clean, sleek, spare look in our furnishings and window treatments; add colorful pillows and wall decor and we're good.  We strongly dislike busy, frilly, ornate, curvy stuff.  Folks that like Louis XV would sneer at our stuff, probably call it Scandinavian Whorehouse.

Lucky Lettuce

Once upon a time, long, long ago and far, far away, bandits disguised themselves as strange wild beasts and invaded a small village.  The villagers fled in panic and the bandits looted their homes and farms.  The villagers, determined to scare off the bandits, made fierce-looking costumes that resembled lions.  Some villagers donned the costumes and danced around wildly, while others banged on pots and pans, making as much noise as possible.  The bandits were indeed frightened by the costumes and all the commotion; they ran off and were never seen again.  The villagers lived happily ever after.

 The bandit attack occurred on the eve of the lunar new year, some 2000 years ago, in a small Chinese village.  From that day forward, lion dancing was thought to ward off evil spirits and bring good luck.  Nowadays, lion dances are popular at weddings, school graduations and similar events, as well as new years eve and other holidays.  Lion dancers are often acrobats and martial arts students, (kung fu in particular) and their dance movements reflect their skills.  Martial arts schools sometimes compete in the dances.

Unlike their carnivorous African cousins, Chinese lions are vegetarians and their favorite food is lucky lettuce.  Lions love lucky lettuce.  And who wouldn't?  Lucky lettuce is a bunch of green paper which contains a red envelope with money in it.  The money is the dancers' reward for their performance.  Google 'lion dance youtube' if you want to view a lion dance.

By now, you're surely asking yourself why the hell is the silly old fart rambling on about lion dances and lucky lettuce?  As well you should.  Because: a lion dance costume resides on the pot shelf in our great room.  It's a memento, left over from when I was a black belt kung fu master and internationally acclaimed lion dancer.  It's a colorful thing, a conversation piece, often drawing comments from visitors - which it did a few nights back, when Gary and Nancy were here.

PS:  Until now, few people knew about my kung fu/lion dancer background.  Very few.  Would you believe - nobody?   I lied up there, don't know kung fu from Fu Manchu and have never done a lion dance.  I can chicken dance, though.  The costume was a gift from Patty, my ex.  We both admired the colorful costumes when we were in China; she came across this one in Chinatown in San Francisco and nailed it.

The bandits-raiding-the-village story is one of several stories (myths) and theories about the dance's origin.

Stucco Guy

Stucco is the name of the game in these parts.  By 'these parts' I mean the hot, dry areas of the American Southwest.  Darned few homes in Phoenix, Tucson or here in LHC have non-stucco siding.  Why?  Because it's attractive, versatile, durable, fire-resistant and a good insulator.  My home has stucco siding and, except for the driveway, is surrounded by concrete block walls and terracing with a stucco finish that matches the house.

The longest and most visible stretch of my stucco wall had several unsightly cracks when I bought the place.  I tried filling the cracks with a couple different patching products but that didn't work.  The color wasn't right and the patching material came loose from the wall within a few months.  I tried calking the smaller cracks, which made them less visible but it wasn't a great color match either.

Lots of wall.  Lots of cracks.

Our mailbox, like the wall, is stucco-finished concrete block.  A few weeks ago, Ann, our sweet little old (87) neighbor lady backed her car into the mailbox.  Whoopee, more cracks!  I had Roger (the floor tile guy) take a look at the mailbox; he suggested I call Mark, the stucco guy.  I did.  And, I'm glad I did.  Mark knows his stuff, does great work at a very reasonable price; mailbox looks like new and the repair cost was minimal: $110 vs $750 to replace it in kind.  Ann paid for it.

Murphy's Law: the ugliest bit of damage will always be

 in the most prominent, visible location.

You're looking at it.

I asked Mark to take a look at the wall cracks, asked if he could do a fix that lasted awhile and matched the existing color.  Yep, sure enough he could.  He finished the job yesterday and it's a vast improvement.  If you live in LHC and need stucco repair work, Mark's the go-to guy.  He's unlicensed so doesn't advertise.  Putting private phone numbers in blogs is unwise; I have his number if you need it..  

All done and looking good!

Cheeseheads

My friend Terry grew up in Wisconsin - although some folks wouldn't agree with that statement.  Those folks would say he was raised in WI but didn't grow up there - or anywhere else, for that matter - and most likely never will.  Be that as it may, he's a WI native so he's a Green Bay Packer fan - a Cheesehead.

Recently, Terry came across a slightly damaged Cheesehead hat at a garage sale and, after reviewing his financial situation at length, decided to splurge and pay the 25 cents ask price.  He never had a Cheesehead hat and was delighted to finally acquire one.

We were over at his place a couple nights back so I asked him to trot out the hat.  I'd never seen one except on TV, was curious about how they were made and how they felt on your head.  Turns out they're not cheese at all.  Nope.  They're synthetic sponges.  I tried it on and quickly determined that a. it wasn't very comfortable (no lining), and b. my head got very warm very fast - a good thing on a crisp fall day, but on a warm day unbearable.

I'm a MN native so am honor bound to support the Vikings.  If any fellow Minnesotans see this picture, they'll disown me, thinking I've gone over to the dark side.  Don't tell 'em, okay?

Traditional Cheesehead hats are wedge-shaped, but there are several other cheesy styles as well.  And bow ties.  And bras.  All sorts of stuff.  Go to amazon.com and enter cheesehead.  You'll be amazed.  Or not.

Grout Girl

A couple posts back, (Holy Buckets, Batman!) I reported on the floor tile repairs in our home.  That project was just the preliminary event.  The main event, which started Monday and ended today, was Grout Girl vs Grime N Grit.  The judges are in full agreement on the winner: Grout Girl by a landslide.

Several years of once-over-lightly, greatly enhanced by a year of housekeeper abuse, resulted in absolutely filthy grout.  Housekeeper, who really should have known better, used a Shark floor cleaner that uses terrycloth pads.  It may work well on hardwood and linoleum floors but on tile it's the worst, nothing more than a dirt mover, transporting dirt from tile to grout - and leaving it there.  The original grout was tan.  After The Year of the Shark, it was totally black in the high traffic areas.

The larger tile on top: Before.

The smaller tile on bottom: After

A friend passed along the Grout Girl tip, and a good tip it was.  GG and her 2 helpers spent 3 days on their knees, doing their thing: scrubbing, staining and sealing.  The floor looks great, and we bought the right kind of floor scrubber to ensure it stays that way.  Professional steam cleaners do a good job of cleaning tile and grout, too.  But, when they're done, the grout needs to be sealed.  I've spent 100s of hours on my knees, sealing grout.  Never again!

Grout Girl rocks!    

Global Warming Q and A

Q: What do we really know about global warming?
A: Precious little.  We do know that:
     1.  A 400-year mini ice age ended about 1850 and there's been a gradual warming trend since then.
     2.  Atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2) levels have steadily increased since record keeping started in 1958.
     3.  Polar and glacial ice volume is decreasing in some areas.

Q: Is human activity causing the warming trend?
A. Did human activity cause the mini ice age?  I very much doubt it.  By definition, when an ice age ends, be it mini or maxi, the atmosphere gets warmer.  Human activity may be a contributing factor but there's no way to measure how much, if any.

Q: Has human activity contributed to the increase in CO2 and other greenhouse gases?
A: Yes.  Fossil fuel usage and deforestation are the main culprits.

Q: Are greenhouse gases contributing to the warming trend?
A. Probably, but again, no way to measure it.  Poor air quality is potentially harmful in itself because nearly all living things need 'healthy' air to thrive.  If air quality gets too bad, the living things will start dying off - and one of those things will be us.

 Q: Will ocean levels rise due to melting ice, wiping out cities, ports and human habitat?
A:  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Ice volume isn't decreasing everywhere and is actually increasing in some areas.  Sea level increase projections are generated by computer modeling, which is based on few facts and lots of assumptions.  To date, the accuracy of those projections has been so far off it's laughable. Garbage in, garbage out.

Environmental research and analysis products are often suspect because the findings are interpreted and spin-doctored to support the agenda of the funding source.  Follow the money.  To get really credible information, neither the researchers nor the analysts should know who's paying for it. Further, the analysis group should be totally independent of the research group.

The book, State of Fear, by Michael Crichton, inspired this post, and some of the information provided here is borrowed from the book.  Mr C spent 3 years poring through environmental publications before he started the book and, although it's a novel, it's chock full of solid environmental information supported by reference footnotes; it also has an extensive bibliography.  I found it to be quite an eye opener, especially in regard to the alarmist hype that the media shovels into our laps on slow news days.

Pirate’s Den, Parker, AZ

Last spring we took our house guests, Ron and Holly, on a tour of the Parker Strip.  The Strip is a scenic, mountainous stretch of the Colorado River immediately south of Parker Dam.  It’s home to several RV campgrounds, both public and private, a few riverside taverns and a mixed bag of older and newer housing developments.  Most of the private businesses are old and shabby but the new Pirate’s Den RV Resort/Grill/Tavern – which we discovered on that excursion – is quite impressive and nicely done.  We went there for dinner last night with good friends Terry and Lisa to celebrate my 70^th.

This huge pirate stands at the entrance to the restaurant.

I was hugely disappointed.  First, the place was crawling with flies; I killed a dozen or so but they just kept on coming.  Second, they had a wine list but no brew list.  Bad sign: Terry and I both love microbrews and they didn’t have a single one.  Third, my filet mignon came well done instead of medium rare as ordered.  Normally, I don’t bitch and whine much when restaurant food or service is below par but at $30 a plate, I expect more than flies, swill and burnt offerings.  So, I pulled out the stops, bitched loud and long.  The waitress no doubt declared me Asshole Customer of the Month. 

 

I felt obligated to fondle the larger than life plastic pirate boobs.

It wasn’t all bad.  The rest of the gang had generous portions of barbecued ribs and declared them delicious.  The waitress was attentive, kept her cool, apologized for the shortcomings and offered me the choice of either replacing the steak with one done right or switching to the ribs.  I declined both, didn’t want to wait on another steak and I was definitely in a steak kinda mood so didn’t want ribs.  Instead, I told her to knock some $ off the bill, which she did.

Another shapely pirate, very unresponsive.

Upon leaving I told the waitress that the biggest disappointment was the lack of microbrews and that if they wanted to attract ‘cool people like us’ they darn well better get some.  In retrospect that was probably counterproductive cuz she was probably thinking the hell with getting microbrews in here; they’d just attract more SOBs like you!